We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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