good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
