did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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