Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She even gives head with a lisp.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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