gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
