hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i dont even know how to be here
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
