I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
