think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
