he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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