How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
only you would photoshop your dick
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Randomize
