I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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