I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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