You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
