Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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