ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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