He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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