matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
