I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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