I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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