I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
