Your mouth is God's brothel.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
