ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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