The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
