She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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