I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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