wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
