running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
