Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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