i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
