Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think my vagina is haunted
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Come share oat with me in your robe
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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