Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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