I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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