I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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