my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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