You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
