Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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