Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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