I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
