All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
