Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
