I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
