she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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