When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
