Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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