he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
