I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
barbara walters just said penis...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
