I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
