My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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