Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
