do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We are two peas in an std pod
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
