I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
